| 1 |
What do you call a guy who hangs out with musicians? ? |
|
A Drummer |
| 2 |
There are two guitar players sitting in a car. Who's driving ? |
|
The policeman |
| 3 |
How many bass players does it take to screw in a light bulb ? |
|
None, but it's the only thing they won't screw. |
| 4 |
What is the difference between a drummer and a vacuum cleaner ? |
|
You have to plug one of them in before it sucks. |
| 5 |
Did you hear about the guitarist that graduated College ? |
|
Neither did I. |
| 6 |
Two flies in the kitchen, how can you tell which one is a cowboy ? |
|
Its the one on the range. |
| 7 |
What did the guitar say to the flute ? |
|
I'm a guitar and you are a flute. |
| 8 |
How do you break a bass players fingers ? |
|
Punch him in the nose |
| 9 |
How can you tell when your guitar player is trying to get into the studio ? |
|
He's late and he's got the wrong Key |
| 10 |
Why don't bass players ever catch a cold ? |
|
Even a virus has some pride |
| 11 |
How can you tell a drummer in a crowd of people ? |
|
He's the one wearing the Domino's pizza hat |
| 12 |
What did the bass player say on his first job ? |
|
Would you like fries and a coke with that? |
| 13 |
Why do bands need roadies ? |
|
To translate for the bass player |
| 14 |
What has 8 teeth and forty feet ? |
|
The front row of a red neck concert |
| 15 |
How can you tell when a singer's at your door ? |
|
You open the door and he still doesn't know when to come in |
| 16 |
What's the last thing a drummer says in a band ? |
|
Hey guys, let's do one of my songs |
| 17 |
What's the typical range of a vocalist ? |
|
About 50 feet if you drive fast enough and hit them just right |
| 18 |
What does a drummer use for contraception ? |
|
His personality |
| 19 |
What's black and brown and looks good on a guitar player ? |
|
A doberman |
| 20 |
What does a drum solo and premature ejaculation have in common ? |
|
You know it's coming and there is nothing you can do about it |
| 21 |
How many guitarists does it take to change a light bulb ? |
|
None, they're too cool for that kind of crap |
| 22 |
How many vocalists does it take to change a lightbulb ? |
|
One, and the world revolves around him |
| 23 |
How do you get two vocalists to sing in harmony ? |
|
Shoot one of them |
| 24 |
How many drummers does it take to change a lightbulb ? |
|
Just one, so long as a roadie gets the ladder, sets it up and puts the bulb in the socket for him |
| 25 |
How do you improve the aerodynamics of a bass players car ? |
|
Take the Domino's Pizza sign off the roof |
| 26 |
What is the difference between a drummer and a savings bond ? |
|
One will mature and make money |
| 27 |
What should you call a drummer ? |
|
It doesn't matter. They won't listen anyway |
| 28 |
What do you call a dozen drummers at the bottom of the sea ? |
|
A good start |
| 29 |
How do you know if a drummer's platform is level ? |
|
The drool comes out of both sides of his mouth |
| 30 |
What's the difference between a drummer and a drum machine ? |
|
You only have to punch the information into the drum machine once |
| 31 |
How can you tell a drummer is walking behind you ? |
|
You can hear his knuckles dragging on the ground |
| 32 |
Why do bands have bass players ? |
|
To translate for the drummer |
| 33 |
What do you call a drummer with half a brain ? |
|
Gifted |
| 34 |
What do you call a vocalist with more than one brain cell ? |
|
Pregnant |
| 35 |
What do you have when a vocalist is buried up to his neck in sand ? |
|
Not enough sand |
| 36 |
How many vocalists does it take to wallpaper a room ? |
|
Three, if you slice them thin enough |
| 37 |
Why are band's breaks limited to fifteen minutes ? |
|
So they don't have to retrain the drummer |
| 38 |
What's black and blue and laying in a ditch ? |
|
A bass player who told too many drummer jokes |
| 39 |
What's a vocalists idea of honesty in a relationship ? |
|
Telling you their real name |
| 40 |
How does a guitar player show he's planning for the future ? |
|
He buys two cases of beer instead of one |
| 41 |
How do you get a drummer to stop biting his nails ? |
|
Make him wear shoes |
| 42 |
What does it mean when a drummer is in bed gasping for breath and calling your name ? |
|
You didn't hold the pillow down long enough |
| 43 |
What is the ideal weight of a drummer ? |
|
About three pounds, including the urn |
| 44 |
Why did the post office recall the new bass player stamps ? |
|
Because people could not tell which side to spit on |
| 45 |
Why are so many guitarists jokes one liners ? |
|
So the rest of the band can understand them |
| 46 |
How do you stop a guitar player from drowning ? |
|
Shoot him before he hits the water |
| 47 |
What's the difference between a fiddle and a violin ? |
|
Who cares - neither one's a guitar |
| 48 |
How do you turn a duck into a soul artist ? |
|
Put it in the oven until its Bill Withers |
| 49 |
What's the difference between a puppy and a vocalist ? |
|
Eventually the puppy stops whining |
| 50 |
What does it say on a blues singer's tombstone ? |
|
I didn't wake up this morning |
| 51 |
What's the least used sentence in the English language ? |
|
The bass player's girlfriend is really attractive |
| 52 |
How is a vocalist different from a rat ? |
|
Some people actually like rats |
| 53 |
Why was the piano invented ? |
|
So musicians would have a place to put their beer |
| 54 |
What's the definition of a gentleman ? |
|
One who knows how to play the drums but doesn't |
| 55 |
How do you put a twinkle in a vocalists eye ? |
|
Shine a flashlight in their ear |
| 56 |
In 20 years time, how many guitarists will it take to change a light bulb ? |
|
Five… one to actually do it… and four to reminisce about how much better it was in the old days |
| 57 |
What's the difference between a dead snake in the road and a dead drummer in the road ? |
|
Skid marks in front of the snake |
| 58 |
What do you call a guitar player in a 3-piece suit ? |
|
The accused |
| 59 |
What does a guitar player and a sperm have in common ? |
|
Both have about a 1-in-3 million chance of becoming a human being |
| 60 |
What do you call a drummer after his girlfriend has dumped him ? |
|
Homeless |
| 61 |
What do you call somebody who hangs around with musicians ? |
|
The bass player |
| 62 |
How do you get a guitarist off your porch ? |
|
Pay him for the pizza |
